Well. It’s not suppose to be anyway. And excuse me for letting my age show, but I think it’s time to let my Old Fart Flag fly on this one. There is entirely too much hanky-panky going down in the TARDIS and as a wise man once said:

Whatever happened to those halcyon days when getting to see the universe and right wrongs and fight evil and go any time and place ever was ample excuse to run off with some non-sense spouting weirdo with questionable fashion sense? Whatever happened to the Doctor being a paternal mentor to us silly little humans? What happened to there being more to being a hero than getting the girl?

It started innocently enough with a sweet, platonic kiss from Nyssa on her departure. Prior to this the most risqué moment in Doctor Who had been the First Doctor sharing some Cocoa in a retirement village with someone’s grandma. Fast forward to the fifth Doctor and we get an affectionate peck on the cheek to mark a bittersweet parting. Nothing really out of line. Nothing that would get you more than a stern warning and a dirty look from the chaperone at any rate. Okay, she’s in her underwear, but CONTEXT PEOPLE!

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But from that little peck, things escalated quickly. Just three Doctors later, enter Grace. Grace, upon meeting the Doctor, literally breaks his hearts. Straight up kills him. Bam! Dead. Then, after he regenerates, all it takes is 5 minutes of him banging on about his shoes and she’s jamming her tongue down his throat. Typical woman.

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And from there, off we go! The next thing you know, the Doctor is so desperate for a snog that he’s willing to swallow the vortex and die to get one. “What you need is a Doctor.” *HORK!* (How long have you been saving that line, Doctor?) And okay, fair is fair, by this point the Doctor is the last of his kind in the universe. I think we can all see how that can get a bit lonely. But there are a lot of species out there with a lot more going for them than humans and a lot of them have more *ahem* compatible life spans.

Okay, I’m just going to say it. IT’S PERVY! By the time this scene happens…

The Doctor is suppose to be 900+ years old, and here he is with a 19 year old girl. I mean come on, if Tennant even looked his actual age this scene would be a bit awkward. But look at them. They’re dry humping for f***’s sake! And I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt that it was, in fact, dry. (And yes, I know, Rose was actually possessed in that scene, but we all know it happened plenty more later.) Now imagine this scene with William Hartnell in there as the Doctor AND REALIZE THAT HE’S THE VERY MUCH YOUNGER VERSION OF THE CHARACTER! Does that sound sexy? It’s really just flat out gross when you put it in context. And probably illegal. Or at least it probably should be.

Oh, I know. I can hear it already. “It’s to keep the younger folk interested”, “It’s to make the show more human”, “It adds to the story”. I’ve heard all kinds of excuses for it making the story better/more interesting. I think it actually does the opposite.

Look how the story basically degenerated from that point on. It became less about the Doctor doing cool, sciencey stuff and out smarting the bad guys and more about how to handle the re-bound companion and that awkward moment when your companions fiancé thinks you might have knocked knocked her up. There are plenty of soap operas and reality shows and romantic comedies and etc. etc. out there where there is plenty of this crap. Just let us old farts have our show back. Please?

And really, it deteriorates the Doctor. My favorite companion in the new series is Donna, and I know I’m not alone in that. Good old ‘You’re not mating with me, sunshine’ Donna. Tennant and Tate had great chemistry and made a wonderful comedic duo. It was a refreshing change from the young cutie that asks the questions and pines for the Doctor. Sure, they put in a tad of sexual tension and there was that regrettable incident in the ‘Wasp Fart’ or whatever that train wreck of an episode was but he had just chugged pickle juice and pepper and whatnot so it was far from sexy. But beyond that, most of the companions just seem to be interested in the Doctor as some kind of boyfriend like Clara confessing “I kind of fancy him” in the truth zone on Trenzalore. BORING. All of time and space isn’t interesting enough, I guess. She just wants a piece of that hot chin.

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I thought we were past it when we got an older Doctor in the person of Capaldi. He even made a big deal when he came in about how ‘there will be no more of the companion snogging going on! Not on my watch! No more hanky-panky! No, Sir, Mr. Moffat! That’s not my style.” And then, by the end of his first season, he’s snogging the Master. Way to make a stand, Pete. You showed him. And while we are blessedly spared from watching a 55 year old clean Jenna Coleman’s tonsils (and please note, that aside from appearance, in the context of the story, there is little difference between this scenario and 10 snogging Rose, but for some reason we can’t go there now. Hmmm. Think on that.) we are still treated to watching this older, darker Doctor mercilessly brow-beat here boyfriend, ‘P.E.’, like a jealous adolescent. It’s insulting. Somehow we went from manipulative little 7 blowing up planets and smack talking Daleks until their head explodes to a pouting old man that can’t handle his wanna-be girlfriend getting some action that’s just a tad more in her demographic species and age-wise.

In comparison to those kind of shenanigans, and especially for those of you who haven’t watched a lot of classic Doctor Who, here’s an example of a love scene from classic Doctor Who:

Here, instead of trying to give Jo five rounds rapid like a hormonal, galactic pedophile or acting like a jealous old man taking cheap shots a Dr. Jones that he doesn’t think in worth his Jo, we have the heartbreak of fatherly friend, letting go of a beloved daughter because even though he knows it will break his hearts and might cause her pain eventually, it’s what she wants and it will make her happy. That’s real love. That’s a real story. The other business is just soft-core porn meant to keep adolescents stuck to their seats. Literally and figuratively.

No one cried at the end of ‘Hand of Fear’ because Tom Baker jammed his tongue down Elizabeth Sladen’s throat. I guarantee a lot of us cried though.

And yeah, I know, I sound like a bitter old fart. I am a bitter old fart.Unknown.jpeg

But I think we should hold Doctor Who to a higher standard. Many of us have watched the Doctor develop slowly in philosophical and moral ways over decades and it pains us to see him reduced to such a simplistic and chemical level. And to be fair, it was our show first. Yes, it is about change, but that doesn’t mean we have into hormonal teen-agers.

To some, the Doctor is a hero that shows that maybe there’s a little more to the universe than just getting the girl.

Now take your skinny jeans and your hippity-hop and get the hell off my lawn. Damn kids.

-St. Xtofer

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